Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #3: Flush
By Neil Kapit
It has been a week since Joan moved in with the Priest of Zeku and his Acolytes. She continues to do her duties for the household. She cleans the rooms, fixes the appliances, and makes meals. From simple directions and recipes she learns to adapt exact ratios for perfect flavor. She learns the rules of the house very quickly; whose stuff goes where, how to organize Zach’s comics and Tricia’s CDs, and how to dry clean Nitz’s all-leather ensemble.
On a typical morning, she will prepare breakfast for the three, keeping in mind the amount of sugars Nitz adds to his cereal ( six ), the special leaf biscuits Zach orders, the right amount of water Tricia needs. She quickly and efficeintly washes off the dishes the precise moment one of the three is done with their plate. Their quality of life has greatly improved. All Joan requires is an hour a day to recharge her battery, sitting in the corner of the room letting her automatic generators work, clearing her databank and ordering what tasks to do next. Her purpose in life is fulfilled.
Nitz, on the other hand, remains purposeless, spending all his time watching TV and going on long walks to nowhere. He carries his cell phone everywhere, hoping that someone will call and request his services.
They never call.
So, Nitz sits with Zach on the couch watching more television, eating potato chips and drinking soda pop until his stomach feels indescribable pain. Tricia stands next to the couch, her feet rooted into the floor. Joan circles the place on wheeled feet, cleaning every inch of the couch’s fabric.
“ Dude, “ Zach says, “ Have you considered getting a job? “
” I HAVE a job, “ Nitz states. “ At least, I used to.... “
” You’re the only one of us who can pass for normal, “ Tricia interjects. “ You have to go out there and get a job using your skills. “
” I don’t have skills, “ Nitz mentions, knitting his brow. “ I’d have to settle for burger flipping or something. “
” Excuse me, “ Joan states, “ But Nitz’s stress levels would be elevated by this work. I suggest that he do what he feels is best. “
” See, “ Nitz smiles, “ That’s what I’m talking about! I don’t need the stress. I just want to sit here and wait until somebody calls for me to do what I’m actually good at. “
Tricia frowns. “ Excuse me, Joan, but he’d be even more stressed out living on the streets. “
” I do not follow, “ Joan explains. “ Please educate me further. “
Tricia sighs. “ See, we have this little thing called money. We need to have it in order to get basic services in life. If we don’t have it, nobody cares about us. The more we have, the better we’re treated. “
” Your system seems faulty, “ Joan iterates in a monotone voice.
“ Maybe, “ Tricia continues, “ But it’s the one we have to live with. And to get money, we have to get jobs. Unfortunately Zach and I can’t work given our appearances, so it’s up to Nitz to pay for this apartment. “
” I’m just waiting for a call, goddammit! They’ll call any minute, I promise! “
At that instant, the phone rings. Nitz blows a raspberry at Tricia.
” See, I told you! Hello, Supernatural Monster Hunters, “ Nitz replies.
“ What? You say there’s an alligator in your toilet? You should probably just call pest control. “
” It’s a really big alligator, then? “
” With glowing teeth and eyes? And it breathes electricity? “
” Okay, you got me convinced. Where’s your address? “
A few moments later, Nitz shuts off his phone, grinning widely.
“ Joan, please reorganize the fridge while we’re out. We have work to do. “
“ You really get off on telling her what to do, don’t you? “ Tricia snarls.
“ What? It’s her job! “
The three leave the building as Nitz opens up a portal to the Zeku dimension. Joan is left alone.
“ This is evidence that you shouldn’t flush them down the toilet when they get too big, eh? “
“ Whatever. Let’s just get rid of this alligator. “
” You sure? I think it’s a crocodile. “
” Whatever it is, it’s not gonna be breathing for much longer. “
A giant head creeps out of a small toilet. It is angular and scaly, black with red glowing teeth and a forked tongue. Zach and Tricia stand in the doorway. Nitz slowly creeps forward, pointing his cudgel forward.
“ Okay, I can deal with this.....”, Nitz states, breathing in. “ Shockek...! “
Before Nitz can finish his spell, the head explodes out of the toilet, splattering pieces of porcelain and toilet water all over the room. The body creeps out, similarly black and angular ,with ten legs and a spiked tail. It jumps on top of Nitz, looking down at him as he lies on the floor.
“ Graaaaaaaaaahhhh! “ It bellows.
“ Go graah yourself, “ Nitz replies. “ Shockeku! “ Bolts of lightning surround the beast, but it does not flinch.
“ Incineraku! “ He screams. The beast catches on fire, and continues sitting like it was before it was lit up. It just lies atop Nitz, staring him down, uttering a low and consistent graah.
“ I think it’s magic resistant, “ Zach meekly suggests.
“ Jesus H. Christ, what gave that away! “ Nitz growls. The beast opens its mouth and hunches backwards, and is about to strike. Zach jumps atop the beast, trying to force its head back with his primate strength and agility. It swings its head backwards at an uncalculated amount of miles per hour, launching him against the wall where the toilet once stood, knocking the wind out of him and splattering his fur with excrement.
Next, Tricia enters the room and glowers at the beast. She extends her fingers outwards, and launches thick black vines at the beast’s head. It spits a cone of blue electricity, sending electrical current up the vines and to her. She falls backwards onto the disgusting floor. She doesn’t get up.
Finally, Nitz manages to free one of his hands in the commotion. He grabs his cudgel and forces it against the beast’s head. He strikes it repeatedly, but for every blow he gets in, the beast dodges two more. It lashes its tail against his knees, tripping him. The beast is about to strike once more, to devour the stunned Nitz and digest him, to mix his bones and flesh into a fine paste.
Then, a loud popping sound occurs, and the beast collapses. Standing in the doorway is Joan, one of her hands transformed into a smoking machine gun. Nitz forces the black mass off of him and gets up to face her.
“ Joan! How did you....why did you....what’s going on? “
She cracks an unnervingly organic smile. “ My duty is to serve you. Your existence seemed threatened by your duty. So I followed your path to this besieged household. And discovered, to your benefit, that the mystical beast you faced was not bulletproof. “
Zach gets up off his feet, shaking off his stained fur. “ You’re some kind of battle-droid? “ He wonders.
“ I have many talents beyond housekeeping, “ Joan states.
“ Like I said, “ Nitz grins, “ a beautiful friendship. “
They join Tricia, who finally stands up and shakes off the pain. The four proceed to take a collected sum from the building’s tenants for their services. Nitz smiles, not so much at a job well done, but how he’s going to cash this in at the local candy store and get enough caramel to make his head spin. Zach will spend part of his money ordering PC gaming equipment, while Tricia will just use her share to help pay the rent.
Joan, of course, asks for nothing in return.
NEXT: Joan’s secret.
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